I don't know what I want.

I got everything I thought I wanted and more, so much more, really.

For that, I am truly grateful. 

But I am still lacking. 

I dream in grey. 

Blurry, never clear-cut. The myopia persists even in dreams, I reckon.  

A marathon with no finish line. 

A hamster trapped on wheel. 

I am tired. 

I don't know what I want.

"...Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tujuan, kita akan luput menikmatinya sepanjang perjalanan. Bahwa bahagia dijadikan cita, kita akan kehilangan ia sebagai rasa. Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tugas jiwa, kita akan melalikan kewajiban sebagai hamba. Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tema besar dalam kehidupan, kita bisa kehilangan ia setelah kematian."  - Salim A. Fillah, Lapis-lapis Keberkahan. 

Prep

Saw my friend's fb status while scrolling the feed one day, and it hit me. 

I've been so excited with everything, just like any expecting mother would..the worst case scenario never occurred in my excited mind until I read what she wrote: 

Gulp. 

I know, I know, positive is the way to go. But this can happen, right? Anything can happen. 

I noticed I am extra cautious these days. I now wear seat belts whenever I drive. I eat even when I dont feel like eating, just so I get enough nutrients. I sacrifice my habit of eating unhealthy snacks, opt for those healthy fruits instead. I became compliant, taking pills as prescribed. Yadayadayada. 

All of this because I know I am not living just for myself anymore. I'm carrying a life inside of me. The little bun in the oven is now more than 7 months old. Alhamdulillah. 

The motherly instincts kicks out at last I guess. Everything I do now is not for my own selfish self. Hence the protective mode. 

Death can occur anytime.  Even now as I'm typing. All of use are aware of this fact but rarely take heed from it. The only thing I am concerned of when it comes to death  is myself. To return to Him in the best way, that is more or less my life goal. I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to end up unprepared, or anything worse when my time comes. You can never be prepared, but you can try. 

Given my current condition though, I'm more affected by the dark topic as now I have a new concern. Somehow I feel obliged to make sure this little life inside of me to make it to the world, survive and scores well even in the hereafter insyaAllah. So I became more cautious. More afraid. 

Whenever I came across news on accidents, I prayed to Allah that if I ever become the victim, however bad the situation were, please let the baby survive. I don't really care about myself. It is not a pleasant thought, I admit, but it is a possibility. Just like my friend's fb status. There is a possibility that either one of us won't survive labor, if that ever happens, I hope the baby makes it to the world. I hate to imagine the worst case scenario, I am not prepared for it, nor will I ever be. 

For now, lets just pray for the best. 

Allah knows best. 

They say the best way to get to know someone is to travel with them.

So we did.

Boy, he really did get to know the real me. Haha.

Me + bulging tummy + unpredictable hormones + fever + flu + cough + backpain + long traveling hours = worst combination!

I was easily annoyed by even the smallest things. Where else is best to let out those feelings? On him, of course!

Fever, flu, cough.. feet and back aches. I vomited a number of times. Once on the plane. Imagine the horror.

We survived though. Barely. Haha.

Thank you, L. For your love and care throughout my bad times.

Thank you for your unwavering patience, even when dealing with the hard-headed me.

7 months of rainbows and a bit of a storm here and there. Hehe.

More to come, brace yourself!

Thank you Allah.