Menjaga hati

Kalau nak tahu, bila bayangkan hati aku, aku selalu bayangkan macam bulan. Bukan, bukan bulan berseri cerah gemilang terbilang yang pungguk rindukan tu. Ini bulan yang berdebu, berlubang, berkawah-kawah dan yang paling penting, bulan yang bulat. Hati sebenarnya antara organ terbesar dalam badan kita. Bebel info fisiologi sikit boleh kan? Selalu orang sebut hati padahal nak maksudkan jantung. Ok takpe kita ikut pemahaman orang ramai. 

Kenapa bulan? Kenapa bulat? Kenapa bukan heart-shaped macam selalu orang lukis setiap kali bagi kad atau sebelah tandatangan konon comel tu? 

Sebab hati aku selalu berbolak balik. 

Penat bila ada hati macam ni. Sentiasa goyang. Kena angin sikit, terus goyah. Golek. Golek sikit patah balik takpe jugak. Takut kalau golek jauh, dan sampai tempat yang tak sepatutnya. Hujung dunia misalnya. Tepi tebing. Bila-bila masa sahaja boleh jatuh. Hai hati yang bulat. 

Wahai hati, anda kan jenis memilih, jadi bila anda buat keputusan untuk jatuh, tolong pilih tempat yang terbaik. Sebab kadang-kadang dah jatuh susah nak bangun balik. Anda pulak keras macam batu. Jatuh tempat keras, boleh pecah seribu. Tapi mujur sel hati boleh tumbuh balik (fisiologi). Sedikit harapan di situ.

Berdebu.

Berlubang-lubang.

Penuh titik hitam.

Kotor.

Jeles dengan sesetengah orang, Hati mereka suci. Bila hati suci, pandangan pon ikut sama bersih. Hidup gembira. Aku tengah berusaha bersihkan hati kotor ni. Penat, kadang-kadang dah sapu, lepas tu main debu lagi. Sapu, kotor balik. Tapi dengan izinNya, aku tak boleh berhenti mencuba. Dia benci orang yang putus asa. Aku nak masuk golongan yang Dia cinta, bukan yang dibenci.

Doakan hati yang bulat ini.
Semoga bulat bulan setia pada buminya, bukan bulat bergolek sini sana.
Semoga bersinar bagai purnama, tak nampak lagi kawah debunya.

Aku dah buat blog ni macam diari. Sigh. 

Azam? (not a person)

It is not often that I suddenly want to do something I usually am reluctant to do (e.g. the marathon I joined in Oct-more on this when I have the mood), so I have to jot this down. You've got to have sort of like a 'black & white' on stuff like this so people can criticize you later if you don't live up to the things you said you'd do. Take it as a motivation. Oh but I don't really care what people say so it won't be as effective on me..hmm..

Anywayyyy...here's a list of things I want to do (am not going to call it resolutions because it will look more serious that way..okay, I admit, I hate expectations):

1. Cook more. Surprised? The truth is, I just read a cooking blog and all of the menu looks so pretty and delicious, I want to eat them so bad that I may have to make them myself. Besides, I almost never touched the frying pan ever since I moved back in with Emak (6 months ago). She did all the cooking, obviously. In my (almost) 26 years of life, I have only baked two or three times, so I think I should probably try to bake more...I don't fancy baking though...but the cakes are so tempting...perhaps a cake that needs no baking? Haha. We shall see how this will turn out. 

2. Read more. I initially wanted to write 'study more' but it sounds too heavy, and a bit limited. I want to improve my clinical and pharmaceutical knowledge, as pledged to in our Code of Conduct for pharmacists (refer chapter 1.7 Continuing Education). Bahahaha. Okay, seriously. Anyone can dispense drugs. What's so hard about handing out meds? There is a reason why a pharmacy is no longer called apothecary/dispensary and that pharmacists are now referred to as the drug experts. Therefore I have to work hard to live up to the title (konon). Dahlah I have a memory of a goldfish. But lets not be whiny. I am glad that my job requires me to learn.

However, as much as I admire my good intention to study for the sake of the profession, most of my reading materials are always unrelated to my job/studies/textbooks. I tend to read those that I am not required to. I just bought a book on relativity. Emak komen dulu masa sekolah tak nak pulak belajar fizik sekarang baru sibuk. Haha. Lately, though, I noticed I don't read as often as I used to. Work/sleep/social media is taking over my used-to-be favourite pastime activity. I think I have to start reading again. I feel like I'm becoming more stupid these days.

3. Less social media. I have a love-hate relationship with social medias. Facebook. Twitter. Instagram. I'm still undecided, but I have a feeling 'hate' is going to win the battle. This remains to be seen. 

This is it.  For now. I will update the list if I suddenly have this random reflection moment like today. Till then!

Hanoi, when September ends

A lot has happened since my last post.

I had a quick trip to Hanoi, Vietnam. It was awesome. It was Amy's plan, and we sort of just went with it. Just a short getaway cum bachelorette's trip for Sumir who's going to be married this coming Dec. Oh due to an unavoidable circumstance, I won't be able to make it to her wedding. Or Suz's. Yes they share the same wedding date. Truly best friends. It is so unfortunate that I can't go to both. Sorry buddies!

We took early morning flight to Hanoi. After 3-hour flight we arrived at the international airport. One of our first crisis was when we couldn't find the driver who was supposed to pick us up and bring us to the hotel. The fact that we can only contact our agent, Luan (Amy's couchsurfer buddy), through facebook was not really helpful either. Luckily though, we bumped into the driver at the other exit.

Apart from those working in tourism business (tour guides, hotel staffs), Vietnamese in Hanoi do not speak much English. However since Luan pretty much had everything arranged for us, the whole trip went quite well. That's the big advantage of travelling with agents. You get to not think. Just chill. Less adventurous, though. I've had my fair share of planning and travelling on my own as well as with travel agents. I couldn't decide on which one is better, it really depends on what you want from the trips.

Back to Hanoi, I'll just let the pictures do most of the talking.

Hanoi's architecture is unique, every bulding looks about the same especially in the Old Quarter.

The infamous Hanoi traffic. Seriously, you've got to have good tolerance to noise, and traffic in general, to live in the city. Every now and then you'll hear horns because they use it just to say, like, "Hey, I'm here on your left, try not to hit me." or "Hey, it's my turn to move." The good thing is since everyone does not seem to follow any of the road rules, they have to drive slowly and be considerate of other vehicles. Speaking from experience, do bear in mind that traffic lights were only applicable to cars, not motorcyclists.

 I don't fancy the city. So let's just head straight to Halong Bay, shall we. We took the cruise which stopped at Dau Go Cave. The stalactites and stalagmites were amazing. Subhanallah. But I hate the colourful lights. They make the whole thing looked fake. Like it was man-made. They even installed a small water fountain near to what's supposed to be Romeo & Juliet's-shaped stalactites. Too touristy already. I'm all into au naturale. 

Halong Bay, as expected, was breathtaking. Fell in love with Mother Nature yet again. Allah is Great.  

Not to forget, we finally get to have the famous Vietnam filter coffee. A must try! 

One of the best parts of our trip was the Cat Ba Island. We spent one night at the Cat Ba Beach Resort, which has just been opened in May so everything is new. Better yet, the resort has its own private beach.

At the end of our trip, Amy finally got her wish granted. She originally wanted to go to Hanoi after seeing a photo of Halong Bay with this beautiful classic tongkang in it. So there you go. 

Letak gelas

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the "half empty or half full" question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: "How heavy is this glass of water?" Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything." It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!

I once told my Emak about this story that I read from a facebook post and now once in a while she will say to me, "Letak gelas!" 

I know most of the time we can't help it but to worry about things, but seriously, what is the use of worrying? I remember this one quote;

"Worrying is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it gets you nowhere."

Exactly. It doesn't do anything. So might as well we stop worrying about things we can do nothing about. Just let go. Letak gelas tu. 

And from a tweet and a facebook post that I came across;

"My heart is at ease knowing what is meant for me will never miss me and what misses me was never meant for me."  - @RealUsamah

 "Worry is a direct consequence of relying on your own efforts." - Yasmin Mogahed

 In the end it all comes down to our faith. :)

I now understand why they said Islam will simplify your life.

What a mess

If I were to write all of the things currently going on in my head, I bet many of you would scratch your head. A lot of it ends with a question mark, most are incomprehensible, all over the place and pretty chaotic. Luckily I made a brain filter, so most of the mess remained trapped inside, safely hidden from strangers' eyes.

I believe, overall, I'm a simple person. However, like what my brother just told me last night, I have a complicated mind. In my defense, most women tend to overthink. But then my brother said I'm not normal and told Emak to do some brainwashing on me. Emak backed me up, saying "She just thinks a lot, and differently from others." 

Right.

Oh well.

All of this makes me think (I'm sorry i can't help it, I don't have good control over my brain activity lol) of this sentence:

"Tidakkah kamu berfikir?" 

Sounds familiar? It was repeated countless time in the Quran, in many context. To list a few;







So there you go.

I'm just doing what I'm told to - think. Haha.

Here's hoping everyone can think like Jason Mraz and see this mess as a beautiful one, despite all the chaotic thoughts. Haha.

Kerana aku selalu lupa #16

 

"To each of you We prescribed a law and a method. Had Allah willed, He would have made you one nation [united in religion], but [He intended] to test you in what He has given you; so race to [all that is] good. To Allah is your return all together, and He will [then] inform you concerning that over which you used to differ." 5:48

So sad with what's happening in Egypt. Yes it is a test, but in a way I think it is a blessing in disguise. I keep wondering how it would be like if I were in their shoes. To abandon all worldly pleasures and just focus on jihad fisabilillah. Here I am comfortably sitting on my chair, rambling on my blog (which no one read anyway), while those Egyptians on the other hand, go out everyday with the possibility of dying any second. Death is constantly on their mind.

Live like you're dying.

Hence the blessing in disguise. The situation they are in acts like a constant reminder of how we can only depend on Allah.

"Sufficient for us is Allah , and [He is] the best Disposer of affairs." 3:173

How great it is to be in that kind of environment? I mean, being constantly reminded of Him.  Being close to Him. Every breath, every second.

As for yours truly, I wake up everyday thinking of what to do at work, what to eat for lunch, then dinner, who to spend the rest of my life with, then how many days it is for the weekend to arrive. How simple. How convenient.


How foolish.

2nd Law of Thermodynamics

Change is inevitable.

It is natural to change. To remain unchanged is against nature. You actually need effort to stay the same. As 2nd Law of Thermodynamics state:

The second law of thermodynamics states that the entropy of an isolated system never decreases, because isolated systems spontaneously evolve toward thermodynamic equilibrium—the state of maximum entropy. 

The last time I studied chemistry was during A-level. I can barely remember 1st Law of Thermodynamics, and I don't think we studied the second law. If we did, I completely forgot about it.

Entropy has many definitions, for simple minds like yours truly, we can look at entropy as a measure of disorder. The concept of the 2nd law suggests that system naturally progress from order to disorder. This means work or energy is needed to produce an ordered state. You need effort to be in order. To stay the same.

I don't know if my interpretation fits the thermodynamics world, neither do I care, I just think the law somehow proves my point. I'm not here to teach anyway.

My point is, everything changes. You change, I change. And yes, interests and priorities change. Especially with time..and other factors.

Whether it is for the better or worse..we don't and probably won't know.

There is one exception to the rule though: 

The one and only thing stable and constant;

Allah. 

Looking out

 You admire the stars you see, but the vast sky has so many things hidden still.

Bogoshipo

Allahumma ballighna Ramadhan.


I'm such in a good mood right now simply because Ramadhan is finally here! I don't want to be cliché but I really have been looking forward to this month especially because I've been distracted by a couple of issues lately.

I'm refocusing on my priorities. On what matters most. I'm easily distracted, so I hope I can get back on track this Ramadhan. Hait! Let's do this!

Of course it's better to be istiqamah when doing good deeds, rather than seasonal. But sometimes we need that accelerator, that enzyme, that extra push to do more. Especially when you are lazy Smak.


:)

To improve, God willing.  

Chillax~

"Chill la. If it is meant to be, it will be. Have faith in His plans."

That was one of my tweets from last month. Regarding what, you may ask. It is obvious, isn't it? Jodoh.

Being more than a quarter of century old now, I've noticed that this has become the most popular topic in my circle of friends. Especially women. 

Jodoh.

Although I sometimes do join the worry wagon just to have some fun, my usual reply would be;

"Kalau ada jodoh, ada lah."

Isn't every single thing we do, everything about us, has been destined from the very moment we were in our mothers' womb? So why the worry? Why, if I may ask, that we stressed ourselves over these matters as if we have the power to determine how things go. 

Admittedly, it is a pretty difficult concept to grasp, this destiny (read: takdir, qada qadar) thing. If I were to elaborate on this, I would probably run out of words (due to my limited vocab, haha). So I won't. This is perhaps for another day. 

I actually just want to share this article on being single that I think makes good sense:

http://www.saudilife.net/marriage/35923-while-you-are-single

Too often we hear singles saying ‘But I want to complete half of my deen!’ and I am always tempted to ask, ‘In what state is the other half?’

Marriage isn't everything.

Kerana aku selalu lupa #15

Say, "Not equal are the evil and the good, although the abundance of evil might impress you." So fear Allah , O you of understanding, that you may be successful.


Katakanlah (wahai Muhammad): "Tidak sama yang buruk dengan yang baik, walaupun banyaknya yang buruk itu menarik hatimu. Oleh itu bertaqwalah kepada Allah wahai orang-orang yang berakal fikiran, supaya kamu berjaya.

Geez, why so difficult?
Best of luck dear self.

Trouble trouble trouble~

Never have a problem kept me awake like this. It's like I'm having my final paper tomorrow. Maybe worse. I just can't sleep. Even when I am, I'm awake. Doesn't make sense? Yeah.

I can't wait to go to work because it will make me forget. At least for a moment. I know I have to deal with this sooner or later.

May Allah show me the way. I can only depend on Him.

Allah knows best.

How to retire rich

I just want to jot down some random thoughts.

Watched the news on tv. Someone named Tan Sri Aishah Ghani, who was actually quite an important person in UMNO just passed away. I did not know who she was till just now. Some of the ministers and evenTun were talking on how great of a loss to the political world now that she's gone. Which got me thinking;

Betullah kata pepatah, "Harimau mati meninggalkan belang, manusia mati meninggalkan nama." Nama. Or deeds. The significance of your existence.. 

• What do I want to be remembered of?

I came across this facebook status, "You are what you do day in day out, what you do once in a while is not you." How true. How very true.

• So, what am I? What have I been doing everyday? 

Admittedly, my daily routines were very mundane. Nothing of great significance, except maybe beneficial only for myself. How trivial. Sigh. 

Anyway, the point of this whole post is not about getting recognitions from other people even after your death, no. Never do things for other people. Wait, this may came across as selfish pulak. What I mean is we should always do things for Allah. Purify our intentions. Which may sound easy, but I find it quite difficult. I am still trying.

From one of Prof Dr Muhaya's tweets today: "Bila kita di kubor yang tinggal hanya amalan. Jom cari pencen kubor iaitu anak yang soleh, ilmu bermanafaat, dan sedekah jariah"

• Anak yang soleh/solehah. One day, if Allah wills. 
• Ilmu yang bermanfaat. This. I don't really like teaching. I often find it difficult to convey what I have in mind to others, and this post is one good example. It's all over the place.
• Sedekah jariah. 

I have issues with delivering messages...I probably will write about this when I have the mood.

This blog has become so boring, I think it's because I'm treating it more like my journal (because I don't have one). But wth, I originally intend to write for myself anyway. However I was a bit surprised when a colleague mentioned that he read my blog. He complained that my writing was tahapahapaentah. See. I am really bad at this.

Oh well.

Atuk (Part 2)

Baru sahaja tahun lepas Tok Wan ku pergi meninggalkan kami. Aku juga yang ada pada waktu itu. Aku antara yang menjadi saksi. Malah turut mengesahkan sewaktu di rumah kerana aku kononnya kerja bidang kesihatan, lebih berpengetahuan. Nak tahu perkara paling aku tak suka? Inilah. Menghadapi saat seperti ini. Kini giliran Atuk pula. 

Peristiwa hari itu. Ayah bawa kereta. Emak di depan. Aku memangku Atuk di belakang. Aku seakan tidak mahu cerita tentang ini kerana semakin aku menaip semakin mataku kabur. Tapi memori ini berharga. Nafas Atuk semakin kencang, maka Ayah mengajar Atuk mengucap syahadah. Alhamdulillah, Atuk mengucap syahadah walau tercungap-cungap. Deras. Tetapi beberapa minit sebelum sampai di hospital, aku perasan Atuk tidak lagi tercungap. Hanya dadanya bergerak perlahan.

"Emak.." perlahan aku memanggil Emak. Bimbang. Aku menyedapkan hati, mungkin Atuk pengsan kerana terlalu penat. Seperti yang pernah terjadi sebelum ini. Emak pesan supaya aku mengajar Atuk mengucap syahadah.

"Lailahaillah pon cukup," kata Ayah yang semakin laju memandu.

Lalu kalimah itulah yang aku bisik berulang-ulang kali ke telinga Atuk. Sambil itu aku perhatikan gerak dadanya. Sampai satu masa, tiada lagi pergerakan yang aku lihat. Aku panik. Aku panggil Atuk berkali-kali. Aku pegang mukanya. Aku rasa nadinya. Di tangan. Di leher. Aku letakkan jari di hidungnya untuk merasa nafas. Aku letakkan telinga di dadanya untuk sebarang bunyi degupan. Sampai saat ini aku tidak tertahan lagi. Terus menggeletar suaraku memanggil Emak.

Sampai kami di hospital. Doktor membuat pengesahan.

Sesungguhnya kita milik Allah dan kepadaNya lah kita kembali.

 Ya Allah, ampunilah dia, kasihilah dia, maafkanlah dia, muliakanlah tempatnya, luaskanlah tempat masuknya, mandikanlah dia dengan air, salju dan embun. Sucikanlah dia dari segala kesalahan sebagaimana pakaian disucikan dari najis. Gantikan untuknya rumah yang lebih baik dari rumahnya, gantikan untuknya keluarga yang lebih baik dari keluarganya, gantikan untuknya isteri (pasangan) yang lebih baik dari pasangannya. Masukkanlah ke dalam surga dan lindungilah dia dari azab kubur dan azab neraka.

Al-fatihah dan doa untuk arwah Atuk.

Kata orang alah bisa tegal biasa.

Aku takut kehilangan rasa.  

Atuk (Part I)

Masih lagi aku ingat, kami berlari terkedek-kedek pulang dari sekolah. Uniform sekolah putih berkain biru gelap yang berseri-seri di waktu pagi sekarangnya comot. Kasut putih apatah lagi. Juaranya kasut Eman dan Amad. Kuning, sekuning air sungai di Taman Sri Kota tatkala banjir.

Tiba hujung minggu yang dinanti, kami pon joli. Peduli apa dengan kerja sekolah. Malam sebelum hari sekolah boleh disiapkan. Sambil dimarahi Ayah atau Emak. Baju? Aku, Bangah dan Ayong kena gosok sendiri. Kerana dah besar. Adik-adik lain Emak atau Nenek boleh gosokkan. Kasut? Aku punya memori lemah. Seingat aku, setiap hari Isnin pasti tersedia kasut sekolah kami. Putih berseri selepas dikapur, hampir bersinar. Cukupku jaga keadaan kasut pada hari Isnin. Pantang sungguh kalau ada kawan terpijak. Pastiku balas balik. Geram.

"Kamu balik je sekolah, Atuk terus ambil kasut yang bersepah tu. Cuci dan kapur. Kalau hujan, dikeringkan bawah peti ais," kenang Emak.

Atuk.

Atuk lelaki pendiam, tidak banyak bicara. Dalam memori masa kecilku hanya ingat Atuk yang saban hari menggilap motor dan basikal tuanya. Pernah Eman atau Amad pinjam motor Atuk dan pulang sambil meredah hujan. Apa lagi. Habis dimarah Atuk. Penat Atuk bersihkan setiap besi-besi rim motornya sampai berkilat. Satu lagi yang aku ingat, setiap kali menjelang waktu sembahyang, Atuk dah bersiap. Berkain pelikat, baju melayu dan berkopiah. Lalu berbasikal tua ke surau. Tapi itu semua dulu.

 Dulu, sebelum penyakit lupa durjana itu datang. Aku tidak pernah menyalahkan takdir, kerana aku tahu Allah lah sebaik-baik perancang. Dia yang Maha Mengetahui. Tapi aku ini manusia lemah, selalu tewas kepada nafsu - marah, geram, tidak sabar. Aku tidak sanggup mengimbau memori tatkala Atuk dihantar pulang ke rumah oleh orang masjid, kerana lupa jalan pulang. Bila Atuk bertanya nilai wang yang dipegangnya, kerana lupa mengira. Baru sampai peringkat ini sahaja air mataku dah bercucuran.

Brain tumor. Waktu ini Atuk sudah wajib mengambil Donepezil dan Quetiapine. Ubat yang membantu mengawal penyakitnya. Walaupon pada tahap ini semua orang dipanggil Atuk dengan panggilan yang sama, sekurang-kurangnya Atuk tidak bertindak ganas berbanding sebelum mengambil ubat. Tapi bulan demi bulan berlalu, keadaan Atuk merosot. Doktor tidak syorkan pembedahan, memandangkan usia Atuk yang tua. Pergi ke tandas, hatta minum air sekalipon perlu ada kami untuk membantu.

Emakkulah orang paling tabah dalam dunia. Akulah orang paling kurang sabar. Baru lima saat kubawa air untuk Atuk minum, diberi makan, Atuk mengadu sudah tiga hari tidak diberi makan. Masakan aku tidak melenting. Aku tahu aku memang tidak patut marah, bukannya aku tidak maklum keadaan Atuk. Tapi aku gagal. Inilah yang paling kukesal. Setiap kali aku berazam jadi lebih sabar. Tapi aku gagal ujianNya. Menangis lagi.

Pernah aku terfikir, kenapa Atuk diberi ujian sebegitu? Sakit itu kifarah dosa. Itu sahaja yang aku dapat semacam sesuai jawapannya. Selainnya, aku rasa bukan Atuk yang sedang diuji. Atuk sudah nyanyuk, setiap perlakuannya tidak lagi dikira dosa. Jadinya, kami orang sekelilingnyalah yang sedang diperhati. Banyaknya dosaku terhadap Atuk, ya Allah. Itu baru terhadap Atuk. Dosa lain? Astaghfirullah. Astaghfirullah. Astaghfirullah!

To be continued.

Be brave

Going through these phases are sometimes very tiring, I wish I can skip a few.

I bleed.

Came across this on Yasmin Mogahed's fb. I think it is beautiful. 

The whole idea of it makes me feel
like I'm coming down with something,
something worse than any stomach ache
or the headaches I get from reading in bad light--
a kind of measles of the spirit,
a mumps of the psyche,
a disfiguring chicken pox of the soul.

You tell me it is too early to be looking back,
but that is because you have forgotten
the perfect simplicity of being one
and the beautiful complexity introduced by two.
But I can lie on my bed and remember every digit.
At four I was an Arabian wizard.
I could make myself invisible
by drinking a glass of milk a certain way.
At seven I was a soldier, at nine a prince.

But now I am mostly at the window
watching the late afternoon light.
Back then it never fell so solemnly
against the side of my tree house,
and my bicycle never leaned against the garage
as it does today,
all the dark blue speed drained out of it.

This is the beginning of sadness, I say to myself,
as I walk through the universe in my sneakers.
It is time to say good-bye to my imaginary friends,
time to turn the first big number.

It seems only yesterday I used to believe
there was nothing under my skin but light.
If you cut me I could shine.
But now when I fall upon the sidewalks of life,
I skin my knees. I bleed.

--Billy Collins

The taste of life.

If I'd known then

So my ex-schoolmate came up with this brilliant idea for our Back To School programme this year. She suggested that we write something for the juniors, as if we were writing to our young self of the things that we know now, which we wish to know then. I don't usually get involved with things like this, oh well, being malas-nak-layan me. I don't know why but I suddenly felt the urge to write. I came up with this crappy poem. :P

So today is February second,

Year 2013,

I’m neither old nor young,

Somewhere in between.

Not one to tell lies,

I shall be most frank,

Of what I know now,

If I’d known then.

Reminiscing the school years,

I was never a saint,

Not that rebellious either,

Just a regular Jane.

Usually people don’t tell this,

But I promised you the truth,

I was one of the class’ sleeping beauties,

Not to the teachers’ amuse.

Pardon me my lovely teachers,

I blame my short attention span,

But a friend told me to never skip classes,

Thanks to that I turned out just fine. ☻

Regarding studies,

I don’t have much to say,

As cliché as this may be,

It really isn’t about how many A’s.

Don’t study just to know,

Be passionate and inquisitive,

Learn and explore,

Indulge your curiosities.

Ah, what was I thinking?

I almost forget,

About the most important thing,

Of people your age.

To love and be loved,

It is in our nature,

Love Allah first,

Great things will come after.

Trust me, my dear,

I know how boring this sounds,

But the one thing I wish I’d known earlier,

Is how beautiful Islam is, how profound.

It’s not just a religion,

Nor just another exam to pass,

It gives us purpose and reason,

It’s our way of life.

I don’t intend to preach,

So I will stop here,

Just a word for aspiring pharmacist,

You don’t get to work office hours either! L

Last but not least,

I have to make something clear,

Kill me not oh grammar Nazis,

For I am no Shakespeare. J

Know thyself

I just went to a compulsory induction course last week. Stayed in Morib for 5 days with pharmacists from all over Malaysia. It was a good break from work but I did not really enjoy the programme. I think no one did. Can you imagine listening to talks from 8am till 11pm each day? Worse, no eyecandy was available as distraction.

There was this one session where we had to do a personality test carried out by a psychologist. I love personality tests as I am very judgemental of myself, but I have never really paid serious attention to the results. As I probably have mentioned earlier, I am very sceptic about certain matters, and this is one of them.

Let's face it, when you do the personality tests, you can sort of guess the results right? I think some of the tests are so obvious that I did not bother to get the results. I can even cheat and get the outcomes that I want. But then the tests will be pointless.

What I am trying to say is, unless you have no clue as to what your personalities are, taking these tests is just a mere confirmation or assurance of your characters. Telling yourself something you already know.

The same goes with all those personalities categorising, such as zodiac readings, personality by numbers, colours, birth months, etc. Imho, one's personality can't simply be generalised. Personality is highly variable, very individualised and  not constant.

Take me, for example. I used to be pretty shy. Still am, at certain times. I would always do my best to avoid being under the spotlight. Nevertheless I notice I have changed throughout the years. I was given the role as a shouting, panicking lady for our group's sketch during the recent PTM and surprisingly, I agreed. I even tried my best to really act. Mind you, despite the small role, it was quite embarrassing for someone who isn't used to acting in front of public. But I did it anyway.

So yeah, personality can change. Never confined yourself to the idea of a fixed personality. Especially with those classifications done by the general population.

To grow.  

That one year

I miss the weather, all four seasons.

But most importantly, 

I miss the people.

Farewell, 2012

I don't really like 2012. 

It was normal. Nothing particularly exciting events happened. I was focusing more on work since it was my first year, my lag phase. 

I made one very difficult decision, but somehow I'm glad I made it.

Nevertheless, I learnt a lot about myself throughout the year. I didn't make any new year resolution last year, so I'm thinking I should make one this year. Just some realistic goals that I could try to complete. I'm still thinking, so I'm going to update more on this later.

Till then, 

Thanks for everything, 2012. 

I hope I can do better in 2013, insyaAllah.

Find your light.