Off day

It's really not to my liking that I always tend to blog when I'm melancholic. But that usually how it goes, is it not? You tend to ponder about life, wallow in your strings of emotions only when you are at the bottom. Once you get back up, once you get to taste that euphoria feeling at the top, you simply forget.

Manusia mudah lupa.

I was not feeling well. No, I was not unwell as in 'sick'. I just felt off. It's been like that for some time now.

L saw that phone charger photo on my instagram and asked, "You feel like..hanging? Tergantung?" 

Hmm, that, maybe.

[Dont worry L, it's not because of you. Of course I was not happy being at one side of South China Sea and you at the other, with once monthly weekend rendezvous which lasts less than 60 hours, but I was prepared for this. I can still bear the tension. It was not ideal, but I was not particularly depressed about our LDR. For now. Heh.]

I kinda felt detached. Disconnected. Kot. Couldn't fully fathom how I feel.

I hated this.

I have to get back on track, hit the refresh button or I'll sink further. To the very bottom. Which is not a nice place to settle in. Nasty place down there. If you are not being careful, you may never rise up again.

So lets get the hiking boots on asap.

Dear Allah, 

I miss You. 

The Day

29.8.2014

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

All praises be to Allah. 

I want to write more..there's so much to tell but I have to fetch my current favourite person from the airport tomorrow. Got to sleep early then. 

So this is a short note just to say thank you. 

Also just in case I forgot the date. Can always refer to blog. Haha.  

10..9...8..7..6..5..

Let the countdown begins!

I still remember a question from a friend, not too long ago, about my expectations from marriage. Honestly, I don't know what to expect. I like to think of myself as a realist. I know, I know, this is not entirely true but can you just let me get away with it this time? Haha. Realists have a firm grip on reality and can see things for what they are, not what they are told they are. 

Despite the rather unexpected and unfathomable storyline that led me to tying the knot in approx 5 days from now, I remain sceptical about marriage fairytales. I do believe in happily-ever-after, but my definition of eternal happiness, or even just happiness itself may not be the same as yours or most women's. 

So hmm, expectations..

1. Challenge. Obviously, marriage will be a huge challenge for any of us. This goes without saying. So I kind of expect a fair share of troubles/obstacles coming my way along with the vows made.  However with every challenge, comes, hopefully, growth. We shall grow beautifully together- isn't that is why there is such a thing as marriage?
2. Freedom. Yes, you read that right. Contrary to most (especially men), I expect freedom from getting married. I do understand the increased level of commitment, however, at the same time I think it will be liberating. From fitnah, mostly. I've had enough of gossips, matchmaking, scandals, etc. I am at that point where all those flirtings are no longer flattering. It is annoying. Especially when it comes from married men. Seriously, guys, get a hold of yourself. On another note, I also expect to be free to roam around planet earth, with the husband of course. I've always wanted to travel but is restricted simply because I'm a woman. It's hard for me to get permission from the parents to travel, even with a few girlfriends. Solo travel is out of the question. So mr husband is my only hope. Teehee. 

That's all I can think of for now. 

Marriage has always been a part of my life plan but I've never really looked or searched for love. To be honest, for me somehow love just happened to be around. Back then, I didn't expect to get into relationships, but then someone showed up. A few years ago I casually put a target to end my single life the latest at 27 years old, without any real plans, and looked where I am now. Marriage was not my biggest concern until I was about to get engaged last year, but alhamdulillah, He knows better. 

Love happens. Just as shit happens.

Seek, look for it, or stay still.

Doesn't matter.

If it's meant to be, it will be.

Kerana aku selalu lupa #17

Bahagia itu dari Dia.

Sedih itu dari Dia. 

Nah, sekarang kau tahu, 

Nak minta, mengadu pada siapa.

Here comes the Ys

Can I be totally honest?
Who am I kidding..Of course I can't. You'll never know who'll end up reading all the stupid ramblings you post online. But I'll be as honest as I can. As I always am.

Curious me really loves the question 'Why?' For me it's the most important W compared to the other four. Who cares about who, what, when or where. When it comes to life, we are the seekers of the reason why.

If Allah wills, I'll be married in a month's time. The event invites were out, and most of the replies I got (in private) came with the ultimate question. I wish I have the perfect answer for everyone, I really do. Just like you guys, I'd also like to know the exact reason why. Even L is dying to know, I know, despite his effort to pretend like he did not care. Heh.

But He, the Most Knowing never really showed me the model answer sheet. So I still don't have the perfect answer. I got some clues and I can make a guess, but that's all there is to it. Such is life, people. We do not have the answer for everything. All we ever did in life was making guesses and hoping they are the correct answers.

Not knowing has its charms, don't you think? So we can continue to seek. To learn. To accept.

Okay I think it's 2nd Syawal blues. Ngantok. Off to bed. To continue my babbles later when I'm in the mood.

Still attached

How to cut loose?

6:32

I love Ice Blended Green Tea

I love ice blended green tea. 

It may not be the best drink out there, the cheapest nor healthiest, but I love it. 

You may think it’s too bland for your taste, too cold or just too weird, I don't care, you are entitled to your own opinion.

However if I want to order ice blended green tea, then let me be. 

I know how ice blended green tea is like - cold, bland and plain weird, 

but I find that suits my taste buds and I still like it.

Niat (part I)

Terdengar perbulan surau hari ni:

A: Cepatnya masa berlalu.. (sambil tengok jam)
B: Dah nak puasa dah.
A: Cepat masa berlalu, tak cukup amal lagi ni.
B: Sama lah, saya pon tak cukup lagi.
A: Kerja je dah 8 jam sehari, mana nak cukup amal. 

Rasa nak menyampuk, tapi orang tua bersembang tak baik menyampuk kalau mengikut adatnya. Lagipon tak kenal, saya kan pemalu. Hee.

Islam is a lifestyle, it's everything. Islam bukan hanya terletak pada solat, puasa, zakat, etc. Kerja, makan, tidur pon boleh jadi ibadah. Yang penting niat. But of course, kerja pon kenalah menepati hukum syarak, yang diredhai Allah.

Sebab tu buat apa pon, niat kerana Allah. Ruginya kalau tak niat keranaNya, semua jadi sia-sia.

Dalam hadis daripada Umar bin al-Khattab r.a, beliau berkata: Rasulullah s.a.w bersabda:

“Sesungguhnya setiap amalan itu hanya dengan niat. Dan sesungguhnya setiap orang hanya mendapat balasan mengikut apa yang diniatkan. Sesiapa yang berhijrah untuk mencari duniawi atau untuk mendapatkan wanita yang ingin dikahwini, maka (pahala) hijrahnya itu mengikut niatnya.” (Riwayat al-Bukhari).

Hmm, masyarakat dah biasa kaitkan agama hanya dengan hal fekah, syariat sahaja sedangkan agama tu cara hidup. Al-Quran sebagai guideline, Rasulullah S.A.W sebagai cikgu, contoh terbaik untuk kita ikut. Kat sinilah silapnya kita. Agama umumnya hanya dianggap sebagai salah satu subjek yang kena score A dalam exam. Aku macam tu lah dulu. Ingat lagi bila fail agama first test Tingkatan 1, ayah tanya, "Awak ni Islam ke tak?" Haha.

Entah sejak bila, Alhamdulillah diberi kefahaman sikit pasal Islam. Taklah study agama hanya untuk pass exam je. Sebab tu nak bagitahu, sebab dulu aku tak tahu. Rasa dia macam bila Air Asia ke MAS ke ada sale murah. Kena bagitahu orang. Kot-kot la ada orang lain yang tak tahu.

Sekarang dalam proses nak tahu lagi, nak faham lagi. It is not about just a religion. We are talking about life, the reason of our existence, our Creator. I don't feel right that we often take this matter lightly. Ala kadar je. Padahal itulah segalanya.

Tak dapat bebel kat makcik surau, bebel sini pulak. Haha.

Hmm. Tak kisahlah. Semoga bermanfaat. :)

The closest thing to us

For the first time ever in my life, I cried while driving. Like the scenes you see in those dramas. I can't remember the last time I cried that much. I just..let it out. I tried so hard to hold my tears back while I was having my lunch, but I didn't think I did it that well since the waitress actually stared at me. I must have looked like a weird, crazy woman, sobbing through my lunch. I didn't care. I had been distracting myself with work that morning, trying my best not to be bothered by what happened, but I just couldn't contain it any longer after I finished my work.

I was getting ready to go to KL when Bangah's text came in,

"Tak payah datang. Tunggu je kat rumah."

Then my SIL Whatsapp-ed,

"Ayahcik dah tiada."

Innalillahi wainna ilahi rajiun. What else could I say? We belong to Him and to Him we shall return.

We were caught off guard. It was too sudden. He was just warded on Tuesday. He passed away yesterday. The whole five-day period was just...lightning fast.

I couldn't forget what he said when I visited him in KPJ last Thursday,

"Selamat Pengantin Baru."

The first person ever to wish me, as if he knew he wouldn't be able to make it on the real day. I told him it was still a long time to go for my wedding, I reassured him that he would get better soon, InsyaAllah.

Little did I know that He has better plans for all of us. He loves him more.

First it was Wan, then Atuk, then Mak Teh, then yesterday, Ayahcik followed suit. I get what Emak always said now, regarding getting older. One of the things I hate most happened to be the thing that we have absolutely no control of - death of loved ones. The older you get, the higher the chances that you have to witness or be involved in such difficult situations.

 "The closest thing to a man is death." - Imam Al-Ghazali

Hang in there

Putting this here just for my revision.

Lucky, lucky me.

Thank you Allah, for all the amazing people I've met with. 

Especially you.

I wish nothing but the best for all of us. 

Blessed.

Sieze it

Dia bagi jalan.
Siap penunjuk arah.
Kalau tak ambil sekarang, nanti sesat lagi.
Kalau tak ambil sekarang, bila lagi?
Kalau tak ambil sekarang, sempatkah nanti?
Ada ke nanti?

Pasti?

Alhamdulillah.

Thank you Allah. Just when I need it most.

Indeed, You know better.

#99

Time to get serious! 

Fatigue

This post is going to have negativity oozing out of it. Read at your own risk.

I'm struggling. To be on track, to keep moving forward. To be frank I feel like I'm alone on this journey. I don't know who to turn to, who to ask for directions when I'm lost. Everytime I did get lost, I felt so upset, so disappointed with myself, like what happened today. 

Allah, this is tiring. 

You thought you have find your way, that you are moving forward, only to find out you're somehow back to where you originally started. Back to square one. Failure sucks. 

I did not expect perfection, or even huge improvements. Never did. What I aimed for was perhaps small improvements - baby steps, as they say. To achieve that is one thing, but to maintain it or istiqamah; Allah, I need all the help I can get.

I hate expectations because I hate letting people down. I really really really hate it when I did not perform up to par. It's hard as I'm starting to fall in love - and letting loved ones down, especially Him, The Almighty is the last thing I need. 

Allah, I only have You.

Guilty pleasure

I'm probably the only girl who still reads manga at this age. 

-.-"
Kasi can lah, I have stopped reading all the others, I swear.

Although the ending is obvious, just bear with me until this one's finished, will you?

Fear of the unknown

There was one time my dear friend F asked me how would I feel if I were to marry someone I don't really know. I told her, she shouldn't be asking me. My perspective on this is quite different from the rest of the world. She wanted to hear my answer still.

"It doesn't really matter to me".

It used to be. I used to worry about the possibility of marrying someone I barely knew. How are we supposed to live with a stranger? Weird, right. Now, though, I simply don't care.

I told F matter-of-factly:

"You can be married to your long-time boyfriend/girlfriend but ended up getting a divorce anyway". 

Being married is an entirely different story from being a couple, I was told by a friend. However since I'm not married (yet), I don't think I am qualified to talk more on this. Hehe.

S, a friend of mine was once in the same dilemma. She was at a crossroad: two guys asked for her hand at the same time. She had known guy A for years, on the other hand she had just met B and never even had a proper conversation with him.

For most, this is a no-brainer, they told her she should go with A. Why take the risk of exploring unknown terrains?

The old me would say the same thing. The new me, though, can only come up with the cliché, "Just follow what your heart says."

To elaborate on that: First, ask for His guidance (because He knows best) and then make the decision. The last part is the most difficult though - to have faith. To trust. Tawakal.

This can be a lengthy post, but I think I better sleep now. Tomorrow I have to drive alone for a 4-hr journey.

Dr Love mode off. 

What you give you get back

A lot of people had posted this video on facebook but I feel like sharing it here just in case you guys haven't seen it.

Selalu orang kata, bersedekahlah. Boleh tolong orang. Kesian kat orang yang kurang bernasib baik. Kita ni terlebih-lebih bernasib baik. Semua serba cukup. 

Tapi aku rasa sebab tolong orang tu bukan sebab yang utama. Rezeki masing-masing Allah yang bagi, Allah yang jaga. 

"Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu melapangkan rezeki kepada siapa yang Dia kehendaki dan menyempitkannya; sesungguhnya Dia Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Melihat akan hamba-hamba-Nya." 17:30

Bukan kita pemberi rezeki. Tolong jangan perasan please. Kita tiada daya upaya. Langsung. Jadi bukan ke kita bersedekah sebenarnya untuk tolong diri kita?

Sedekah ni yang aku tengok macam satu pembebasan. Pembebasan jiwa. Kita tak perasan, kita selalu letak dunia dalam hati. Dunia tempatnya hanya di tangan, bukan di hati. Sayang sangat harta benda dunia. Lokek betul. Susah sangat nak keluar duit kalau tak dapat apa-apa in return, macamlah duit tu kita punya. Astaghfirullahalazim. Milik Allah segalanya di langit dan di bumi. Semuanya.

Teringat pernah kat Petronas dengan AZ adikku, tengah isi minyak datang seorang lelaki gelap, berjambang dengan baju yang lusuh minta sedekah. AZ tanya kenapa tak kerja, nampak sihat. Dia tunjuk tangan kiri yang cacat, kata tak ada orang nak ambil kerja. AZ bebel lagi, kata kerja angkat sampah pon jadi lah. Aku tak pasti, macam rasa betul jugak cakap AZ tapi mungkin betul jugak kata lelaki tu. Mungkin betul dia dah usaha cari kerja tapi orang tak nak ambil kerja. Apa-apa pon sebab nak kejar masa, aku bagi AZ sikit duit untuk bagi lelaki tu. AZ ambil, tambah duit dia dan bagi lelaki tu. Aik, kenapa baik hati sangat adik aku ni. 

Lepas tu aku tanya AZ, kenapa tambah duit? AZ kata, ustaz kata kalau nak sedekah tu, biarlah dalam amount yang terasa kesannya. Faham tak? Aku rasa ada betulnya cakap ustaz tu. Contohnya kalau setakat seringgit dua yang kita selalu letak sepah-sepah kalau hilang pon tak kisah tu, buat apa. InsyaAllah ada jugak kebaikannya sedekah walau seringgit dua, tapi lagi better kalau kita bersedekah dalam kuantiti yang kita rasa berat nak bagi. 

Banyak ke sikit sedekah sebenarnya tak kisah. Contohnya macam ni. Ada orang duit berjuta dalam bank, sedekah setakat rm1000 memanglah no problem. Ada orang tinggal rm20 je, tapi sanggup sedekah rm10. Orang yang ada sikit, tapi berani bersedekah, menunjukkan keseriusan dia dalam beramal.

Dari Abu Hurairah r.a., katanya: 

"Seorang lelaki datang kepada Rasulullah saw., lalu dia bertanya:

"Ya, Rasulullah! Sedekah bagaimanakah yang besar pahalanya?"

Jawab Rasulullah saw.,

"Sedekah ketika anda sedang sihat, ketika anda sedang kikir, takut miskin, ketika anda sedang mengharap-harap akan menjadi seorang hartawan yang kaya-raya; maka pada saat-saat seperti itu janganlah anda lalai, bersedekahlah. 

Dan janganlah ditangguhkan sehingganya nyawa anda telah sampai di kerongkong, barulah anda bahagi-bahagikan sedekah anda, ini untuk si Fulan, ini untuk si Fulan. Dan ingatlah, sesungguhnya harta itu memang untuk si Fulan." 

(H.R. Bukhari & Muslim)

Semoga Allah menerima semua amalan kita. 

That could have been me.

I'm not that frequent of a flyer, but I had a flight scheduled right after the day MH370 went missing. So you can imagine the thoughts that went through my mind as I boarded my plane. I looked down over the South China Sea as we flew, the first place where they conducted the MH370's search and rescue. I wondered how it would feel like if I was on that unfortunate flight. How would I react? I imagined the plane plummeting at full speed into the vast ocean. What can we do then?

Nothing. Simply nothing. Astaghfirullahalazim, how helpless we are. So small, so powerless, so vulnerable. Mere human. Yet we acted like we own the world.

I'm not scared of flying, not even after the unfortunate MH370 incident. I'm a firm believer of destiny -  "What was meant for you, will never missed you. What misses you, was never meant for you."  However, I'm still scared of death. I'm not ready to leave this world in my current state. I don't know if one can ever be ready for death, but I pray a lot for a beautiful ending - husnul khatimah. I want to meet Him in the best state I can be. Allah, please. 

Apart from the missing flight, I was very much bothered by the recent news of deaths from drug overdose at a music festival. 6 deaths, 4 in critical state. What a tragedy. Sad, scary and frustrating all at the same time. 

I won't pretend to be an angel. This is not something I'm proud of but I've been to concerts a couple of times during my 'carefree' years. So I get it - I get the fun, the pleasure that we seek in those times. I understand why. But that doesn't mean I approve of it. Regarding drugs, I was a curious young lady - still am, I think. If it were not for the people I travelled with, I would have probably tried some when I went to Amsterdam. I had the intention. I'm curious about the high, the euphoria they claimed those drugs can provide. Then maybe I would have liked it, and got addicted. Then maybe I would end up as a drug addict, rather than a drug dispenser - that is, if I didn't die from an overdose. So yes, those overdose kids could have well be me. 

So what saved me? Was it my friends? Undeniably your circle of friends, who you choose to hang out with will play a major role in your life. “Perumpamaan teman yang baik dengan yang buruk itu seperti penjual minyak wangi dan tukang besi. Berteman dengan penjual minyak wangi akan membuatmu harum karena kamu boleh membeli minyak wangi darinya atau sekurang-kurangnya mencium bau wanginya. Sementara berteman dengan tukang besi akan membakar badan dan bajumu atau kamu hanya akan mendapatkan bau tidak sedap.“ 

However, I think I owe most of it to Islam. To my faith. Alhamdulillah. If it were not for Islam, knowing my curiosity and lack of good judgement, I would probably have tried everything. Especially those that are not allowed or off limits. Now where would that get me? I don't dare to imagine. Islam is indeed the greatest blessing to mankind. Lucky we were born Muslims. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Second thoughts

I've had enough of this second-thoughts thing. Seriously.
It was crystal clear one moment, then all of a sudden it became hazy.
God, this is tiring.
It is tiring when you don't even have yourself to trust.


Fortunately, there's Him.

Doctor who?

This article makes me want to nag a bit about work. Or more specifically, about the people I work with.

FYI, I used to be among those typical people who really look up to doctors. I think doctors are the smartest people around, trustworthy, honourable and kind. Well, they save lives everyday! What kind souls. As always, I couldn't be more wrong. Doctors are just human. Ordinary people, who sometimes succumb to temptations and become slaves to the world. I can testify to this. I've seen quite a number of doctors with attitudes that are not only annoying but to the point where their behaviours disappoint me. Morality and ethics..out of the window. Sigh. 

Of course, this may be the case for only a select few. The rotten eggs. Don't get me wrong, fellow doctors, my intention is never to dishonour your profession. I am simply letting out my frustration, coming to terms with the fact that I had been wrong all these years - just like those orang putih kids when they found out Santa don't exist. Ouch.

I have a lot of doctor friends, and alhamdulillah they are brilliant - both as doctors and friends. I am not being biased, my circle of friends are truly amazing. Friendship is perhaps the only thing I've been so picky at (unintentionally), since I always managed to surround myself with good company. From what I see, the kind of people who is great as a person will most likely be great at their job too. So in the end it comes down to individual's core values. 

However, although I've only worked as part of the healthcare team for 2 years, I've witnessed a number of incidents that got me so disappointed I have now lost faith in them doctors. I don't trust them (completely) anymore. I know people make mistakes, to err is human, but sometimes the mistake is super duper silly that I began to wonder wth is the doctor thinking when treating the patient? I know it is not my place to question other people's job, that I should just focus on improving my own work, but seriously, we are talking about lives here - human lives. 

I won't be giving out specific examples, too lazy to write and you may not understand it anyway, suffice to say I now realised how crucial a pharmacist's job is. Pharmacists are the last line of defense before medications/treatment reach the patients. However this post is not to let the world know how we are doing our job, I only write to state my agreement with Stonecold Steve Austin's DTA - Don't Trust Anybody. Not even doctors. 

Rather than the clinical judgement, it's some of the doctors' ethics that are most appalling. I admit I am not exactly 'worker of the year', but some of their working attitudes had really opened my eyes. exposing me to the diversity of human in this world. Kepelbagaian spesies dengan perangai yang berbeza-beza. Homosapiens are such a wonder.

I think I should stop here. I didn't expect I can nag this long. To clear out some points, I only talk about doctors here because it was my fault that I think so highly of them till I got this frustrated. The truth is, this is an issue of every profession (pharmacist included), every single job out there. To sum up, just DTA. Do study, don't just blindly trust. 

Unless the doctor is the handsome McDreamy. 

You can totally trust him. Worth the risk. Lol.

Hello Scotland

Because  it changed me.

Better man

I came across this ayat not long ago;

“Perempuan yang jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat dan lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik.” (24:26)

The ayat is quite familiar, but I never pay serious attention to it until just recently.

Lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat. 
I suddenly began to worry because I don't want to end up with someone as jahat as me. Only I know how bad I am and have been, so yes, save your sweet talks, lets be real. Seriously, I've been thinking of how I can be exempted from this. How can I save myself from getting someone who is equally as bad, if not more than myself.

Then it came to me, the answer is really simple.

Lelaki baik untuk perempuan baik. 
I have to better myself. Nak yang baik jadilah yang baik. If you want the best then be the best. Simple logic.

However then I wonder, if it's true that good men are for good women, why was Asiah destined with Firaun? Hmm. This is a hard one.

I guess it comes down to the very definition of good, or evil, for that matter. Often the perception of these matters are tailored to our individual preference, sedangkan ianya rahsia Allah.

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah Mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui”. 2:216

Dengar Robbie Williams' Better Man mesti teringat bestie J.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

2014

My wish for 2014 is simply...

To fall in love.

To fall so hard till I can never get out of it. 

Head over heels. 

Total surrender.

To fall completely, utterly in love, with...

The One and Only God, Allah. 

With Islam.

May He ease the way.