I don't know what I want.

I got everything I thought I wanted and more, so much more, really.

For that, I am truly grateful. 

But I am still lacking. 

I dream in grey. 

Blurry, never clear-cut. The myopia persists even in dreams, I reckon.  

A marathon with no finish line. 

A hamster trapped on wheel. 

I am tired. 

I don't know what I want.

"...Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tujuan, kita akan luput menikmatinya sepanjang perjalanan. Bahwa bahagia dijadikan cita, kita akan kehilangan ia sebagai rasa. Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tugas jiwa, kita akan melalikan kewajiban sebagai hamba. Bahwa jika bahagia dijadikan tema besar dalam kehidupan, kita bisa kehilangan ia setelah kematian."  - Salim A. Fillah, Lapis-lapis Keberkahan. 

Prep

Saw my friend's fb status while scrolling the feed one day, and it hit me. 

I've been so excited with everything, just like any expecting mother would..the worst case scenario never occurred in my excited mind until I read what she wrote: 

Gulp. 

I know, I know, positive is the way to go. But this can happen, right? Anything can happen. 

I noticed I am extra cautious these days. I now wear seat belts whenever I drive. I eat even when I dont feel like eating, just so I get enough nutrients. I sacrifice my habit of eating unhealthy snacks, opt for those healthy fruits instead. I became compliant, taking pills as prescribed. Yadayadayada. 

All of this because I know I am not living just for myself anymore. I'm carrying a life inside of me. The little bun in the oven is now more than 7 months old. Alhamdulillah. 

The motherly instincts kicks out at last I guess. Everything I do now is not for my own selfish self. Hence the protective mode. 

Death can occur anytime.  Even now as I'm typing. All of use are aware of this fact but rarely take heed from it. The only thing I am concerned of when it comes to death  is myself. To return to Him in the best way, that is more or less my life goal. I'm not scared of death, I just don't want to end up unprepared, or anything worse when my time comes. You can never be prepared, but you can try. 

Given my current condition though, I'm more affected by the dark topic as now I have a new concern. Somehow I feel obliged to make sure this little life inside of me to make it to the world, survive and scores well even in the hereafter insyaAllah. So I became more cautious. More afraid. 

Whenever I came across news on accidents, I prayed to Allah that if I ever become the victim, however bad the situation were, please let the baby survive. I don't really care about myself. It is not a pleasant thought, I admit, but it is a possibility. Just like my friend's fb status. There is a possibility that either one of us won't survive labor, if that ever happens, I hope the baby makes it to the world. I hate to imagine the worst case scenario, I am not prepared for it, nor will I ever be. 

For now, lets just pray for the best. 

Allah knows best. 

They say the best way to get to know someone is to travel with them.

So we did.

Boy, he really did get to know the real me. Haha.

Me + bulging tummy + unpredictable hormones + fever + flu + cough + backpain + long traveling hours = worst combination!

I was easily annoyed by even the smallest things. Where else is best to let out those feelings? On him, of course!

Fever, flu, cough.. feet and back aches. I vomited a number of times. Once on the plane. Imagine the horror.

We survived though. Barely. Haha.

Thank you, L. For your love and care throughout my bad times.

Thank you for your unwavering patience, even when dealing with the hard-headed me.

7 months of rainbows and a bit of a storm here and there. Hehe.

More to come, brace yourself!

Thank you Allah. 

Off day

It's really not to my liking that I always tend to blog when I'm melancholic. But that usually how it goes, is it not? You tend to ponder about life, wallow in your strings of emotions only when you are at the bottom. Once you get back up, once you get to taste that euphoria feeling at the top, you simply forget.

Manusia mudah lupa.

I was not feeling well. No, I was not unwell as in 'sick'. I just felt off. It's been like that for some time now.

L saw that phone charger photo on my instagram and asked, "You feel like..hanging? Tergantung?" 

Hmm, that, maybe.

[Dont worry L, it's not because of you. Of course I was not happy being at one side of South China Sea and you at the other, with once monthly weekend rendezvous which lasts less than 60 hours, but I was prepared for this. I can still bear the tension. It was not ideal, but I was not particularly depressed about our LDR. For now. Heh.]

I kinda felt detached. Disconnected. Kot. Couldn't fully fathom how I feel.

I hated this.

I have to get back on track, hit the refresh button or I'll sink further. To the very bottom. Which is not a nice place to settle in. Nasty place down there. If you are not being careful, you may never rise up again.

So lets get the hiking boots on asap.

Dear Allah, 

I miss You. 

The Day

29.8.2014

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

Alhamdulillah.

All praises be to Allah. 

I want to write more..there's so much to tell but I have to fetch my current favourite person from the airport tomorrow. Got to sleep early then. 

So this is a short note just to say thank you. 

Also just in case I forgot the date. Can always refer to blog. Haha.  

10..9...8..7..6..5..

Let the countdown begins!

I still remember a question from a friend, not too long ago, about my expectations from marriage. Honestly, I don't know what to expect. I like to think of myself as a realist. I know, I know, this is not entirely true but can you just let me get away with it this time? Haha. Realists have a firm grip on reality and can see things for what they are, not what they are told they are. 

Despite the rather unexpected and unfathomable storyline that led me to tying the knot in approx 5 days from now, I remain sceptical about marriage fairytales. I do believe in happily-ever-after, but my definition of eternal happiness, or even just happiness itself may not be the same as yours or most women's. 

So hmm, expectations..

1. Challenge. Obviously, marriage will be a huge challenge for any of us. This goes without saying. So I kind of expect a fair share of troubles/obstacles coming my way along with the vows made.  However with every challenge, comes, hopefully, growth. We shall grow beautifully together- isn't that is why there is such a thing as marriage?
2. Freedom. Yes, you read that right. Contrary to most (especially men), I expect freedom from getting married. I do understand the increased level of commitment, however, at the same time I think it will be liberating. From fitnah, mostly. I've had enough of gossips, matchmaking, scandals, etc. I am at that point where all those flirtings are no longer flattering. It is annoying. Especially when it comes from married men. Seriously, guys, get a hold of yourself. On another note, I also expect to be free to roam around planet earth, with the husband of course. I've always wanted to travel but is restricted simply because I'm a woman. It's hard for me to get permission from the parents to travel, even with a few girlfriends. Solo travel is out of the question. So mr husband is my only hope. Teehee. 

That's all I can think of for now. 

Marriage has always been a part of my life plan but I've never really looked or searched for love. To be honest, for me somehow love just happened to be around. Back then, I didn't expect to get into relationships, but then someone showed up. A few years ago I casually put a target to end my single life the latest at 27 years old, without any real plans, and looked where I am now. Marriage was not my biggest concern until I was about to get engaged last year, but alhamdulillah, He knows better. 

Love happens. Just as shit happens.

Seek, look for it, or stay still.

Doesn't matter.

If it's meant to be, it will be.

Kerana aku selalu lupa #17

Bahagia itu dari Dia.

Sedih itu dari Dia. 

Nah, sekarang kau tahu, 

Nak minta, mengadu pada siapa.