The best

On my next posting;

"Doa lah aku dapat kampung halaman."
"Aku doakan hang dapat yang terbaik, kat mana tu tak pasti."

How sweet.

Aku selalu lupa. What we want may not be what we need. We always have this vision/goal/target set as the perfect outcomes we would want to have, of which we think would be the best definition of success or accomplishment for ourselves.

But we are merely humans. With that little, limited knowledge that we have, we can't say for certain that what we wish for are the best for us. We won't know. Scary, no?

This is when faith comes in.

Trust Him, He knows best. He's the best planner. 

Tapi tak boleh goyang kaki je jugak. We should always go for what we want, do our best and yes, pray.

"Ya Allah, jika ini (/dia) yang terbaik untukku, Kau permudahkanlah." 

"Istikharahlah," said a friend.

I've never done solat istikharah before. I'm pretty sceptic, you see. It's not that I don't trust the method, I just don't trust myself. From what I know, istikharah is best done when you don't have any tendency towards either end of the decision (read: bias).

But I will try, insyaAllah.

May every choice I make get me closer to You.

Sacrifices

Are necessary.

But to what extent?

Raya rambles

It has been more than one month since I last wrote something. I started this post with nothing in mind, hoping something will come up eventually. Today is the third day of Raya. I woke up a bit late than the previous days, as I have nothing planned. Checked the tweets, nothing interesting. Checked facebook, even more boring. Raya posts are everywhere. I have event invitations that I have yet to reply, for fear that I will disappoint them. I am most likely unable to attend their weddings. It can't be helped. I am stuck up here while most of my friends are down south. Every year, without fail, my dad will state the obvious: "Kakyang je yang kawan tak datang raya kan." Sigh. What can I do? I've got friends all around the world, but very few are from this hometown of mine.

***********

Today is 6 Syawal. I planned to get on with my neverending work but I ended up spending the day with my adorable nephew. Sis and BIL are going back tomorrow. I'm going to miss my nephew. Oh yesterday a few male colleagues came beraya at my house, (making it a total of 4 guests this raya) Sis: "Asyik lelaki je datang raya ni. Semua nak mengorat kau ke." Contrary to my sister's ridiculous assumption, not every guy I know would like to date me. Girl-school problem: Tak ada kawan lelaki, bising, takut lesbo. Ada kawan lelaki, bising jugak. Haih. I used to enjoy the attention I get from guys (assuming there is any). But that was then. Zaman kegedikan, zaman jahiliah. Haha. I love flirting because it is undeniably fun, but now I know better not to. I am not fond of the attention anymore, to the point where I find them annoying. I actually make an effort to keep a low profile. I thought it won't be hard, for someone as ordinary and regular looking as myself. I soon realised though, it was not that easy.

Firstly, I have to go against myself. I like fun, beautiful things. So naturally, I like dressing up. I like fashion. But I can't overdo it as it can initiate those unwanted attention. Tabarruj is a no-no. Google if you don't know what that means.

Secondly, it's my mother. She does not like it when I wear dull clothings, "Does not suit your age," she said. The multicoloured baju kurung she bought me this Raya said it all. I think she is kind of worried since I always look messy and unpresentable, I will probably keep away potential candidates and end up forever alone.

Thirdly, it's the age. I am at the stage where, how should I put this, if we were in the animal kingdom, this age would be the mating season. Everyone is either seeking for a partner, courting or settling down and expanding the brood. Those looking for a mate will be more alert of their surroundings and will probably notice anything that moves, despite our best effort to be invisible.

Fourth, the environment. Should I work in a big hospital in Selangor or KL or Johor, I can probably get away as a silent, forgettable face. But my current hospital is a small one, and since I am not from around there, with my fake Utagha accent, it is hard to get away unnoticed.

Okay, lets be real. I don't want to be invisible, not to that extent, no. I want to be noticed, but for the right reasons and by the right people. Some of you may misunderstood my point here. I am not saying I'm like a popular face ke apa, geez, if I am that attractive I'd be married by now. Haha. No, I am still the ugly betty you guys know.

Rather than avoiding unnecessary attention (there really isn't any, at the moment, if you guys are wondering), I think this is more about myself trying hard not to succumb to the need to impress people. The more I think about it, the more I realised that perhaps I should just try to focus on getting His attention, by then I will probably won't even notice or be bothered by these trivial things.

My grammar is horrible. Too lazy to proofread though.

Angry bird

I got angry.

Then I got angry at myself for being angry.

Disappointed, even.

Then I promised to myself not to be angry.

But I got angry again.

So I am more disappointed with myself, both for being angry (yet again) and breaking the promise.

Blergh.

It is really, really difficult when your own enemy is yourself.

Sibuk

Sorry I was a bit busy.

With work lah, what else. 

I don't like this. I don't want work to be the centre of my life.

I am not here in this world just to work and survive. There's more to my existence. 

Excuse 1: I think I'm still adapting. Coping, sometimes. 

Just bear with me for a little longer.

Oh here's one of the videos of my London visit. I've always wanted to edit all my travel videos but I got busy. And lazy. 

Hello you!

Move it.

Happiness 

is

a

choice. 

I'm going to make some significant changes in my life.
Towards my goals, insyaAllah.
May He grant me the strength and patience.

Custom made

You know how some people always get themselves into big, complicated mess?

I'm not them. I've never really been in any big trouble or conflict. 

Fall out of college? Never. (thank god)

Heartbroken, betrayed? Nope.

Serious medical illness? Alhamdulillah, no.

Jobless? Just for 4.5 months. Still bearable.  

Forever alone? Err, I hope not. 

But of course, there are bumps here and there. Life graph can never be a plateau. It's impossibru! 

Despite the sometimes bumpy ride, my life so far is still heading the way I picture it to be. 

Simply put, I had it easy...which makes me wonder.

Why wasn't I challenged? Am I neglected? 

Before all of you start to lecture me, I am thankful, everyday of my life, for everything Allah has given me. For I am nothing without Him. I am grateful for my life, in any way it has been or will be, but whenever I came across the saying,

"Orang beriman memang akan selalu diuji."

my reaction will be: 

"Terlampau kecilkah imanku, kenapa aku tak diuji sebegitu?"

You know when you love someone, you sometimes test them to see how they react. To see how much they love you. Well, maybe not guys, but women always do that. The point is, you test them because you care about how much they care. Make sense? 

Little did I know, that tests can come in all shapes and sizes, much like Lady Gaga's outfits. Those that may seem small to me, can be very significant to others, vice versa. As of right now, I think I'm currently facing one of the biggest obstacles in my life. I'd like to elaborate more on this, but it's nearing 12am and I've got to wake up before 6am tomorrow.

To be continued later,
or not.
Haha.