#99

Time to get serious! 

Fatigue

This post is going to have negativity oozing out of it. Read at your own risk.

I'm struggling. To be on track, to keep moving forward. To be frank I feel like I'm alone on this journey. I don't know who to turn to, who to ask for directions when I'm lost. Everytime I did get lost, I felt so upset, so disappointed with myself, like what happened today. 

Allah, this is tiring. 

You thought you have find your way, that you are moving forward, only to find out you're somehow back to where you originally started. Back to square one. Failure sucks. 

I did not expect perfection, or even huge improvements. Never did. What I aimed for was perhaps small improvements - baby steps, as they say. To achieve that is one thing, but to maintain it or istiqamah; Allah, I need all the help I can get.

I hate expectations because I hate letting people down. I really really really hate it when I did not perform up to par. It's hard as I'm starting to fall in love - and letting loved ones down, especially Him, The Almighty is the last thing I need. 

Allah, I only have You.

Guilty pleasure

I'm probably the only girl who still reads manga at this age. 

-.-"
Kasi can lah, I have stopped reading all the others, I swear.

Although the ending is obvious, just bear with me until this one's finished, will you?

Fear of the unknown

There was one time my dear friend F asked me how would I feel if I were to marry someone I don't really know. I told her, she shouldn't be asking me. My perspective on this is quite different from the rest of the world. She wanted to hear my answer still.

"It doesn't really matter to me".

It used to be. I used to worry about the possibility of marrying someone I barely knew. How are we supposed to live with a stranger? Weird, right. Now, though, I simply don't care.

I told F matter-of-factly:

"You can be married to your long-time boyfriend/girlfriend but ended up getting a divorce anyway". 

Being married is an entirely different story from being a couple, I was told by a friend. However since I'm not married (yet), I don't think I am qualified to talk more on this. Hehe.

S, a friend of mine was once in the same dilemma. She was at a crossroad: two guys asked for her hand at the same time. She had known guy A for years, on the other hand she had just met B and never even had a proper conversation with him.

For most, this is a no-brainer, they told her she should go with A. Why take the risk of exploring unknown terrains?

The old me would say the same thing. The new me, though, can only come up with the cliché, "Just follow what your heart says."

To elaborate on that: First, ask for His guidance (because He knows best) and then make the decision. The last part is the most difficult though - to have faith. To trust. Tawakal.

This can be a lengthy post, but I think I better sleep now. Tomorrow I have to drive alone for a 4-hr journey.

Dr Love mode off. 

What you give you get back

A lot of people had posted this video on facebook but I feel like sharing it here just in case you guys haven't seen it.

Selalu orang kata, bersedekahlah. Boleh tolong orang. Kesian kat orang yang kurang bernasib baik. Kita ni terlebih-lebih bernasib baik. Semua serba cukup. 

Tapi aku rasa sebab tolong orang tu bukan sebab yang utama. Rezeki masing-masing Allah yang bagi, Allah yang jaga. 

"Sesungguhnya Tuhanmu melapangkan rezeki kepada siapa yang Dia kehendaki dan menyempitkannya; sesungguhnya Dia Maha Mengetahui lagi Maha Melihat akan hamba-hamba-Nya." 17:30

Bukan kita pemberi rezeki. Tolong jangan perasan please. Kita tiada daya upaya. Langsung. Jadi bukan ke kita bersedekah sebenarnya untuk tolong diri kita?

Sedekah ni yang aku tengok macam satu pembebasan. Pembebasan jiwa. Kita tak perasan, kita selalu letak dunia dalam hati. Dunia tempatnya hanya di tangan, bukan di hati. Sayang sangat harta benda dunia. Lokek betul. Susah sangat nak keluar duit kalau tak dapat apa-apa in return, macamlah duit tu kita punya. Astaghfirullahalazim. Milik Allah segalanya di langit dan di bumi. Semuanya.

Teringat pernah kat Petronas dengan AZ adikku, tengah isi minyak datang seorang lelaki gelap, berjambang dengan baju yang lusuh minta sedekah. AZ tanya kenapa tak kerja, nampak sihat. Dia tunjuk tangan kiri yang cacat, kata tak ada orang nak ambil kerja. AZ bebel lagi, kata kerja angkat sampah pon jadi lah. Aku tak pasti, macam rasa betul jugak cakap AZ tapi mungkin betul jugak kata lelaki tu. Mungkin betul dia dah usaha cari kerja tapi orang tak nak ambil kerja. Apa-apa pon sebab nak kejar masa, aku bagi AZ sikit duit untuk bagi lelaki tu. AZ ambil, tambah duit dia dan bagi lelaki tu. Aik, kenapa baik hati sangat adik aku ni. 

Lepas tu aku tanya AZ, kenapa tambah duit? AZ kata, ustaz kata kalau nak sedekah tu, biarlah dalam amount yang terasa kesannya. Faham tak? Aku rasa ada betulnya cakap ustaz tu. Contohnya kalau setakat seringgit dua yang kita selalu letak sepah-sepah kalau hilang pon tak kisah tu, buat apa. InsyaAllah ada jugak kebaikannya sedekah walau seringgit dua, tapi lagi better kalau kita bersedekah dalam kuantiti yang kita rasa berat nak bagi. 

Banyak ke sikit sedekah sebenarnya tak kisah. Contohnya macam ni. Ada orang duit berjuta dalam bank, sedekah setakat rm1000 memanglah no problem. Ada orang tinggal rm20 je, tapi sanggup sedekah rm10. Orang yang ada sikit, tapi berani bersedekah, menunjukkan keseriusan dia dalam beramal.

Dari Abu Hurairah r.a., katanya: 

"Seorang lelaki datang kepada Rasulullah saw., lalu dia bertanya:

"Ya, Rasulullah! Sedekah bagaimanakah yang besar pahalanya?"

Jawab Rasulullah saw.,

"Sedekah ketika anda sedang sihat, ketika anda sedang kikir, takut miskin, ketika anda sedang mengharap-harap akan menjadi seorang hartawan yang kaya-raya; maka pada saat-saat seperti itu janganlah anda lalai, bersedekahlah. 

Dan janganlah ditangguhkan sehingganya nyawa anda telah sampai di kerongkong, barulah anda bahagi-bahagikan sedekah anda, ini untuk si Fulan, ini untuk si Fulan. Dan ingatlah, sesungguhnya harta itu memang untuk si Fulan." 

(H.R. Bukhari & Muslim)

Semoga Allah menerima semua amalan kita. 

That could have been me.

I'm not that frequent of a flyer, but I had a flight scheduled right after the day MH370 went missing. So you can imagine the thoughts that went through my mind as I boarded my plane. I looked down over the South China Sea as we flew, the first place where they conducted the MH370's search and rescue. I wondered how it would feel like if I was on that unfortunate flight. How would I react? I imagined the plane plummeting at full speed into the vast ocean. What can we do then?

Nothing. Simply nothing. Astaghfirullahalazim, how helpless we are. So small, so powerless, so vulnerable. Mere human. Yet we acted like we own the world.

I'm not scared of flying, not even after the unfortunate MH370 incident. I'm a firm believer of destiny -  "What was meant for you, will never missed you. What misses you, was never meant for you."  However, I'm still scared of death. I'm not ready to leave this world in my current state. I don't know if one can ever be ready for death, but I pray a lot for a beautiful ending - husnul khatimah. I want to meet Him in the best state I can be. Allah, please. 

Apart from the missing flight, I was very much bothered by the recent news of deaths from drug overdose at a music festival. 6 deaths, 4 in critical state. What a tragedy. Sad, scary and frustrating all at the same time. 

I won't pretend to be an angel. This is not something I'm proud of but I've been to concerts a couple of times during my 'carefree' years. So I get it - I get the fun, the pleasure that we seek in those times. I understand why. But that doesn't mean I approve of it. Regarding drugs, I was a curious young lady - still am, I think. If it were not for the people I travelled with, I would have probably tried some when I went to Amsterdam. I had the intention. I'm curious about the high, the euphoria they claimed those drugs can provide. Then maybe I would have liked it, and got addicted. Then maybe I would end up as a drug addict, rather than a drug dispenser - that is, if I didn't die from an overdose. So yes, those overdose kids could have well be me. 

So what saved me? Was it my friends? Undeniably your circle of friends, who you choose to hang out with will play a major role in your life. “Perumpamaan teman yang baik dengan yang buruk itu seperti penjual minyak wangi dan tukang besi. Berteman dengan penjual minyak wangi akan membuatmu harum karena kamu boleh membeli minyak wangi darinya atau sekurang-kurangnya mencium bau wanginya. Sementara berteman dengan tukang besi akan membakar badan dan bajumu atau kamu hanya akan mendapatkan bau tidak sedap.“ 

However, I think I owe most of it to Islam. To my faith. Alhamdulillah. If it were not for Islam, knowing my curiosity and lack of good judgement, I would probably have tried everything. Especially those that are not allowed or off limits. Now where would that get me? I don't dare to imagine. Islam is indeed the greatest blessing to mankind. Lucky we were born Muslims. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Second thoughts

I've had enough of this second-thoughts thing. Seriously.
It was crystal clear one moment, then all of a sudden it became hazy.
God, this is tiring.
It is tiring when you don't even have yourself to trust.


Fortunately, there's Him.