That could have been me.

I'm not that frequent of a flyer, but I had a flight scheduled right after the day MH370 went missing. So you can imagine the thoughts that went through my mind as I boarded my plane. I looked down over the South China Sea as we flew, the first place where they conducted the MH370's search and rescue. I wondered how it would feel like if I was on that unfortunate flight. How would I react? I imagined the plane plummeting at full speed into the vast ocean. What can we do then?

Nothing. Simply nothing. Astaghfirullahalazim, how helpless we are. So small, so powerless, so vulnerable. Mere human. Yet we acted like we own the world.

I'm not scared of flying, not even after the unfortunate MH370 incident. I'm a firm believer of destiny -  "What was meant for you, will never missed you. What misses you, was never meant for you."  However, I'm still scared of death. I'm not ready to leave this world in my current state. I don't know if one can ever be ready for death, but I pray a lot for a beautiful ending - husnul khatimah. I want to meet Him in the best state I can be. Allah, please. 

Apart from the missing flight, I was very much bothered by the recent news of deaths from drug overdose at a music festival. 6 deaths, 4 in critical state. What a tragedy. Sad, scary and frustrating all at the same time. 

I won't pretend to be an angel. This is not something I'm proud of but I've been to concerts a couple of times during my 'carefree' years. So I get it - I get the fun, the pleasure that we seek in those times. I understand why. But that doesn't mean I approve of it. Regarding drugs, I was a curious young lady - still am, I think. If it were not for the people I travelled with, I would have probably tried some when I went to Amsterdam. I had the intention. I'm curious about the high, the euphoria they claimed those drugs can provide. Then maybe I would have liked it, and got addicted. Then maybe I would end up as a drug addict, rather than a drug dispenser - that is, if I didn't die from an overdose. So yes, those overdose kids could have well be me. 

So what saved me? Was it my friends? Undeniably your circle of friends, who you choose to hang out with will play a major role in your life. “Perumpamaan teman yang baik dengan yang buruk itu seperti penjual minyak wangi dan tukang besi. Berteman dengan penjual minyak wangi akan membuatmu harum karena kamu boleh membeli minyak wangi darinya atau sekurang-kurangnya mencium bau wanginya. Sementara berteman dengan tukang besi akan membakar badan dan bajumu atau kamu hanya akan mendapatkan bau tidak sedap.“ 

However, I think I owe most of it to Islam. To my faith. Alhamdulillah. If it were not for Islam, knowing my curiosity and lack of good judgement, I would probably have tried everything. Especially those that are not allowed or off limits. Now where would that get me? I don't dare to imagine. Islam is indeed the greatest blessing to mankind. Lucky we were born Muslims. 

Alhamdulillah. 

Second thoughts

I've had enough of this second-thoughts thing. Seriously.
It was crystal clear one moment, then all of a sudden it became hazy.
God, this is tiring.
It is tiring when you don't even have yourself to trust.


Fortunately, there's Him.

Doctor who?

This article makes me want to nag a bit about work. Or more specifically, about the people I work with.

FYI, I used to be among those typical people who really look up to doctors. I think doctors are the smartest people around, trustworthy, honourable and kind. Well, they save lives everyday! What kind souls. As always, I couldn't be more wrong. Doctors are just human. Ordinary people, who sometimes succumb to temptations and become slaves to the world. I can testify to this. I've seen quite a number of doctors with attitudes that are not only annoying but to the point where their behaviours disappoint me. Morality and ethics..out of the window. Sigh. 

Of course, this may be the case for only a select few. The rotten eggs. Don't get me wrong, fellow doctors, my intention is never to dishonour your profession. I am simply letting out my frustration, coming to terms with the fact that I had been wrong all these years - just like those orang putih kids when they found out Santa don't exist. Ouch.

I have a lot of doctor friends, and alhamdulillah they are brilliant - both as doctors and friends. I am not being biased, my circle of friends are truly amazing. Friendship is perhaps the only thing I've been so picky at (unintentionally), since I always managed to surround myself with good company. From what I see, the kind of people who is great as a person will most likely be great at their job too. So in the end it comes down to individual's core values. 

However, although I've only worked as part of the healthcare team for 2 years, I've witnessed a number of incidents that got me so disappointed I have now lost faith in them doctors. I don't trust them (completely) anymore. I know people make mistakes, to err is human, but sometimes the mistake is super duper silly that I began to wonder wth is the doctor thinking when treating the patient? I know it is not my place to question other people's job, that I should just focus on improving my own work, but seriously, we are talking about lives here - human lives. 

I won't be giving out specific examples, too lazy to write and you may not understand it anyway, suffice to say I now realised how crucial a pharmacist's job is. Pharmacists are the last line of defense before medications/treatment reach the patients. However this post is not to let the world know how we are doing our job, I only write to state my agreement with Stonecold Steve Austin's DTA - Don't Trust Anybody. Not even doctors. 

Rather than the clinical judgement, it's some of the doctors' ethics that are most appalling. I admit I am not exactly 'worker of the year', but some of their working attitudes had really opened my eyes. exposing me to the diversity of human in this world. Kepelbagaian spesies dengan perangai yang berbeza-beza. Homosapiens are such a wonder.

I think I should stop here. I didn't expect I can nag this long. To clear out some points, I only talk about doctors here because it was my fault that I think so highly of them till I got this frustrated. The truth is, this is an issue of every profession (pharmacist included), every single job out there. To sum up, just DTA. Do study, don't just blindly trust. 

Unless the doctor is the handsome McDreamy. 

You can totally trust him. Worth the risk. Lol.

Hello Scotland

Because  it changed me.

Better man

I came across this ayat not long ago;

“Perempuan yang jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat dan lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat, perempuan yang baik untuk lelaki yang baik dan lelaki yang baik untuk perempuan yang baik.” (24:26)

The ayat is quite familiar, but I never pay serious attention to it until just recently.

Lelaki yang jahat untuk perempuan yang jahat. 
I suddenly began to worry because I don't want to end up with someone as jahat as me. Only I know how bad I am and have been, so yes, save your sweet talks, lets be real. Seriously, I've been thinking of how I can be exempted from this. How can I save myself from getting someone who is equally as bad, if not more than myself.

Then it came to me, the answer is really simple.

Lelaki baik untuk perempuan baik. 
I have to better myself. Nak yang baik jadilah yang baik. If you want the best then be the best. Simple logic.

However then I wonder, if it's true that good men are for good women, why was Asiah destined with Firaun? Hmm. This is a hard one.

I guess it comes down to the very definition of good, or evil, for that matter. Often the perception of these matters are tailored to our individual preference, sedangkan ianya rahsia Allah.

"Boleh jadi kamu membenci sesuatu, padahal ia amat baik bagimu, dan boleh jadi (pula) kamu menyukai sesuatu, padahal ia amat buruk bagimu; Allah Mengetahui, sedang kamu tidak mengetahui”. 2:216

Dengar Robbie Williams' Better Man mesti teringat bestie J.

Send someone to love me
I need to rest in arms
Keep me safe from harm
In pouring rain
Give me endless summer
Lord I fear the cold
Feel I'm getting old
Before my time
As my soul heals the shame
I will grow through this pain
Lord I'm doing all I can
To be a better man

2014

My wish for 2014 is simply...

To fall in love.

To fall so hard till I can never get out of it. 

Head over heels. 

Total surrender.

To fall completely, utterly in love, with...

The One and Only God, Allah. 

With Islam.

May He ease the way.

Menjaga hati

Kalau nak tahu, bila bayangkan hati aku, aku selalu bayangkan macam bulan. Bukan, bukan bulan berseri cerah gemilang terbilang yang pungguk rindukan tu. Ini bulan yang berdebu, berlubang, berkawah-kawah dan yang paling penting, bulan yang bulat. Hati sebenarnya antara organ terbesar dalam badan kita. Bebel info fisiologi sikit boleh kan? Selalu orang sebut hati padahal nak maksudkan jantung. Ok takpe kita ikut pemahaman orang ramai. 

Kenapa bulan? Kenapa bulat? Kenapa bukan heart-shaped macam selalu orang lukis setiap kali bagi kad atau sebelah tandatangan konon comel tu? 

Sebab hati aku selalu berbolak balik. 

Penat bila ada hati macam ni. Sentiasa goyang. Kena angin sikit, terus goyah. Golek. Golek sikit patah balik takpe jugak. Takut kalau golek jauh, dan sampai tempat yang tak sepatutnya. Hujung dunia misalnya. Tepi tebing. Bila-bila masa sahaja boleh jatuh. Hai hati yang bulat. 

Wahai hati, anda kan jenis memilih, jadi bila anda buat keputusan untuk jatuh, tolong pilih tempat yang terbaik. Sebab kadang-kadang dah jatuh susah nak bangun balik. Anda pulak keras macam batu. Jatuh tempat keras, boleh pecah seribu. Tapi mujur sel hati boleh tumbuh balik (fisiologi). Sedikit harapan di situ.

Berdebu.

Berlubang-lubang.

Penuh titik hitam.

Kotor.

Jeles dengan sesetengah orang, Hati mereka suci. Bila hati suci, pandangan pon ikut sama bersih. Hidup gembira. Aku tengah berusaha bersihkan hati kotor ni. Penat, kadang-kadang dah sapu, lepas tu main debu lagi. Sapu, kotor balik. Tapi dengan izinNya, aku tak boleh berhenti mencuba. Dia benci orang yang putus asa. Aku nak masuk golongan yang Dia cinta, bukan yang dibenci.

Doakan hati yang bulat ini.
Semoga bulat bulan setia pada buminya, bukan bulat bergolek sini sana.
Semoga bersinar bagai purnama, tak nampak lagi kawah debunya.

Aku dah buat blog ni macam diari. Sigh.